Dude, where's my car?
by panatlantic
Summary: Suguru and Shuichi elope one evening and... thats just... too wierd...
1. Default Chapter

O_O NO! ARE YOU INSANE? WRITING A FIC LOOSELY BASED ON A FILM YOU'VE NEVER SEEN? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?!?  
  
(I was bored)  
  
  
  
Oh sure it had seemed like a good idea at the time.  
  
"Happy Birthday Suguru-chan! You're legally old enough to drink in Australia now! Wanna get drunk?"  
  
They had to ask?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~  
  
And 12 hours later Suguru woke with a 90% circulation loss on his right side and a splitting headache, in a Tokyo Love Hotel. Opening his eyes groggily he slowly focussed on his own left hand and the pale gold band on his finger.  
  
Oh crap.  
  
Uncle Touma had warned him about fans that'd get you real drunk and marry you. Now he'd have to listen to I-told-you-so's for the next 20 years.  
  
Hehehe.  
  
On the plus side, it meant he got laid!  
  
She was petite - he could tell from the outline of the bedsheets. Cautiously he pulled back the sheet to see just what kind of cutie playing keyboards for Bad Luck could pick up.  
  
Kawaiiiii! She had the cutest pink hair!  
  
Wait a second. . .  
  
"OH DEAR GOD NOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed Suguru pulling himself out of Shuichi's vice-like 'embrace'.  
  
The consequence of which was making Suguru's head hurt even more (and here he'd thought that wasn't possible) and waking his 'wife'.  
  
"Wha'smatter Y'ki?" Mumbled Shuichi sleepily, before rolling over and falling back to sleep.  
  
"NO!" Screamed Suguru again, "If I have to deal with this, so do you!" Finding their 'marriage' certificate on a conveniently placed table he shoved it in Shuichi's face.  
  
Shuichi looked at it non-comprehending. Finally he read it.  
  
"I wan' a divorce." Managed Shuichi solemnly, several minutes later when his brain finally interpreted the text. The extreme stress of the deduction in its current state of hung-overedness caused Shuichi to slump into the mattress again.  
  
"It's okay! Nobody ever needs to find out about this!" Wheezed Suguru starting to hyperventilate. "Do you remember anything about last night?"  
  
"I got real real drunk." Giggled Shuichi darkly. The juxtaposition with the ultra-genki Shuichi that Suguru usually associated with was just freaky. "I'm not suppose'ta do that. . . " Giggle. "I do stupid things when I'm drun. . ." Shuichi stopped. Thought. Examined the marriage certificate. "Aw crap. Not again."  
  
"Again?" Squeaked Suguru.  
  
"Er. . . I said I'm in pain. My head aches." Oh yeah. Reading that rhyming dictionary when he was trying to write songs had saved his life yet again.  
  
Suguru looked skeptical.  
  
"Yuki's gonna kill me!" Whined Shuichi changing the subject. "No! He's gonna laugh at me! He'll laugh at me, then throw me out, then I'll just die from being miserable! DIE!"  
  
"Calm down Shuichi!" Yelled Suguru, grabbing Shuichi by the shoulders and pulling him away from the window which he'd intended to throw himself out of. "Read my lips. YUKI. DOESN'T. NEED. TO. FIND. OUT."  
  
"Demo. . . Not telling Yuki. . . That would be. . . dishonest." Suguru nodded. Shuichi at least seemed to be processing this new strategy. "I like it!" He gave a distinctly evil grin. "Fujisaki-kun. . ?" He asked softly, with heavy eyelids, and Suguru was reminded he was holding a naked Shuichi while he himself was in a similar state of disdress.  
  
"Yes Shuichi?" Shu was in complete shoujo-mode now, and Suguru was forced to admit to himself that he could see how a guy (like himself for example) may be attracted to him (if say, he had been extremely drunk - which he had been).  
  
"Was I sem-urk!" Suguru slapped his hand over Shuichi's mouth to stall the question.  
  
"Don't even think about it! It never happened!" He snapped angrily. "Get dressed!" He wordlessly tossed Shuichi the wedding dress, which Shuichi looked at distastefully.  
  
"What was I thinking?" Moaned Shuichi examining the dress. "This isn't my style at all! Seeded Pearls! Ugh. I must have been drunk or something." Giggle. "Oh yeah. . ."  
  
Groaning Suguru pulled on his overly large tux while Shuichi struggled with the dress.  
  
"It's a bit tight." Muttered Shuichi.  
  
Oh crap.  
  
God sakes! Please! Just this once let Shuichi be his normal oblivious self and not figure it out! I swear I'll never drink again! Just don't let him. . . !  
  
"OHO!"  
  
There is no god.  
  
~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~ ~~ ~  
  
"Pull it down further, we don't want anyone to recognize us." Snickered Shuichi, referring to the veil.  
  
"I swear Shindo, if anyone recognizes me, you won't live long enough to regret it."  
  
"You're so cuuuuute when you're angry." Beamed Shuichi.  
  
"I will kill you. KILL you." Scowled Suguru. "Where's the car?"  
  
Shuichi spared Suguru an extra-confused look (it had to be an 'extra' one since a normal one would have been redundant since everything was confusing when one had a severe case of alcohol poisoning).  
  
"I dunno." Shrugged Shuichi.  
  
"Let me rephrase that, where is my Uncle Touma's car? You know Touma right? Our boss?"  
  
"Still dunno." Shrugged Shuichi. "Maybe you left it at Hiro's place?"  
  
"Hiro's?"  
  
Shuichi opened to the relevant page in the wedding album pointing to a picture of a rather inebriated Hiro. Oh Gawwwwwd! Was there anyone that wasn't party to this utter humiliation?  
  
"Or maybe K . . ." Shuichi flipped a few more pages.  
  
Obviously not . . .  
  
"Who do you think we should ask first?" 


	2. 2

In retrospect Yuki's car might have been a better choice BUT I DIDN'T THINK! So instead it's Touma's pimp mobile that's missing. (I love that pimp mobile reference, but it ain't mine so I can't use it in the fic dammit) Then again, maybe Suguru wouldn't help if it weren't Touma's car so I guess it had to be.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~  
  
Shuichi nervously shuffled in front of the door, before Suguru heaved a sigh and pushed him aside to knock. Shuichi had wanted to go to Hiro's but Suguru wasn't too convinced how. . . discrete Hiro would be when it came to his pride. He was quite convinced K wouldn't be that much more understanding.  
  
"What the hell was I thinking?" He muttered diving into a nearby bush to hide.  
  
Somebody was at the door momentarily. It was not K.  
  
"Shhhh!" He practically screamed in a shushing way.  
  
"Hiro?" Asked Shuichi uncertainly.  
  
Hiro facefaulted at being caught out by the only person in the whole of Japan who might 'think stuff' at him being caught at his managers house dressed in nothing but a bedsheet toga and a fluorescent pink thong monogrammed in rhinestones with the words 'Spicy Caribbean'.  
  
Well. . .  
  
Perhaps not the only one.  
  
The image was particularly burned into Shuichi's brain, as he thought Spicy Caribbean might not be a bad title for the 'Marmalade remix Suguru had been working on.  
  
"Hiroooo! What are you doing here?" Whined Shuichi after shaking his head furiously to banish the 'stuff' he had been thinking. "No never mind that! More importantly, do you remember anything about what happened last night?"  
  
Hiro thought real hard for a couple minutes.  
  
"No, not really." Hiro, who was wondering why a bush in K's garden was wearing an ugly brocade wedding dress, began to worry. In all honesty he too was wondering why he had woken up at K's in the aforementioned thong, but was too afraid to wake K to ask.  
  
Suguru sidled up bedsides Shuichi to whisper something.  
  
"AND give us clothes!" Demanded Shuichi, who thought the request was overrated, but then he wasn't the one in satin and lace so added it anyway).  
  
'Us'?  
  
"Oh gawd Shuichi! Not again!" Sighed Hiro (partially in relief that it wasn't his own drunken nuptials they'd ended up celebrating the night before) . "I'm sorry miss, when my friend gets too drunk he . . ." Suguru lifted his veil to glare at Hiro who suffered his first cardiac arrest. "That was . . . exceptionally unexpected."  
  
"No more unexpected than finding you here in a hot pink thong." Quipped Shuichi.  
  
"Touché." Remarked Hiro. "Well I suppose you better come in."  
  
  
  
Suguru had been all for waking K, but soon changed his mind when he found the man ACTUALLY DID sleep with a loaded weapon (and not the hentai kind).  
  
"What do you mean there's nothing?" Demanded Suguru of Hiro. He demanded in a very low, very quiet voice. "Surely K owns more than one suit!"  
  
Hiro shrugged.  
  
"When I woke up I was wearing this . . . and holding a large bouquet of white roses . . . and no clothing in the whole damn place!" He scowled at Shuichi who was smirking evilly. "Don't even think it!" He warned. "It's like . . . like. . ."  
  
"Two drunken idiots shanghaied my wardrobe." Finished K, wandering into the kitchen wearing a blessedly opaque shower curtain, red eyed and weary, to get an aspirin.  
  
"K! You're being civil!" Shuichi yelped, perhaps a little higher in pitch than necessary as everyone winced in pain. "Aren't you going to yell at me or something?" He asked, genuinely confused, pulling the dragged-up Suguru into the spotlight with him.  
  
"Again?" K sighed, knocking back a second aspirin just to be on the safe side. He glanced between the packet and his watch. "It says here I have about 15 minutes before this aspirin kicks in. That means you have exactly 15 minutes to find and return my things, or 15 minutes to run as far as possible." For added measure, he took out his BFG2000, and started loading it with a menace.  
  
Shuichi started dragging Suguru out.  
  
"Wait! Touma's car!" Exclaimed Suguru.  
  
"I believe you were headed to Sakuma's." K's body language added: 'my revenge will be swift and terrible'.  
  
Shuichi succeeded in fleeing with the dazed Suguru.  
  
Hiro looked between the retreating figures to K to the retreating figures. Why am I still here? He wondered wistfully.  
  
"So. . . exactly how did I end up here again?"  
  
"You caught the bouquet." Smirked K.  
  
"Oh?"  
  
"It's tradition. Whoever catches the bouquet will be the next to get married."  
  
"But I still don't understand why . . . and why did you let them take your clothes?"  
  
"How to put this . . . Ah! I believe in your own words as you helped them . . . " K grinned even broader. "You won't be needing clothes anymore." Hiro had discovered a new shade of white to turn. "I may give them 30 minutes." He finished with a purr, advancing on the hapless Hiro. 


	3. d3

"What happened to our original plan of lies 'n deceit? I liked that plan!"  
  
"I'm not going any further in a dress dammit!"  
  
~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~ ~*~*~  
  
After five minutes of knocking, Yuki finally answered the door. He looked from the tuxedo clad Shuichi (who had decided that given his current, sorry state of affairs it was better to knock than head in full force) to the dragged up Suguru.  
  
"Again?" He stated simply, raising one hand to massage his temple. Shuichi nodded sadly. He opened the door wide to allow the two entry. Shuichi disappeared to find some clothes.  
  
"Let me fill in the blanks for you." Muttered Yuki darkly while Suguru stood awkwardly in the main room.  
  
"You got drunk. You allowed Shuichi to get drunk." That was a reasonable assumption. Yuki took out a cigarette and lit up. Suguru was actually kind of relieved. Yuki was normally very possessive of Shuichi, he'd presumed when they dragged their sorry asses in Yuki would have killed him.  
  
"Shuichi is obsessed with weddings." Picking up the album, he crossed over to the cupboard, producing several with titles such as 'Treasured Memories' and 'Congratulations'. Shuichi and Yuki. Shuichi and Hiro. Shuichi and K, Shuichi and Yuki, Shuichi and Ryuichi, Shuichi and Touma (what the hell?), Shuichi and Yuki, Shuichi and Tatsuha. . . it was a yaoi fans dream come true. There were more but Suguru didn't get a chance to see.  
  
"How to say. . . when he is drunk enough, he can be convincing. Very convincing." Confided Yuki.  
  
"Yuuuuuuki! You promised not to show those to anyone!" Whined Shuichi reentering the room with a change of casual clothes for Suguru.  
  
"It's a special occasion!" Sniffed Yuki. "You usually wear the dress."  
  
"I was drunk!" Exclaimed Shuichi and Suguru in unison.  
  
"Even when he married Mika he wore the . . ."  
  
"YUKIIIII!" Whined Shuichi, nearly in tears, pummeling the author who was taking entirely too much amusement at the situation for Suguru's liking.  
  
". . . aren't you worried someone will take advantage of Shuichi?" Interrupted Suguru, wide eyed.  
  
"He only ever marries people he's known for a while." Yuki remarked. "So they have to be incredibly intoxicated to agree - which renders the likelihood of anything else (beyond getting nekkid) zero." He stated simply as if this explained all. "Not to mention he promised not to get drunk anymore." Yuki glared at Shuichi who 'eeped'.  
  
"Hiro knew about this." Stated Suguru, slamming the album on the coffee table - Yuki returned his preciouses to their secret hold to avoid any further casual destruction). Obviously K too, if that album were any indicator (of course Suguru knew better than to swear vengeance on the guy with the gun - so Hiro and Hiro alone would feel the wrath of Fujisaki).  
  
"Did you consider the option he set you up?" Yuki remarked lighting up another cigarette (stating the obvious perhaps, but when one lives with the perpetually obtuse, one picks up bad habits).  
  
"I'll kill him!" Declared Suguru, marching out the door to murder his new target (and hopefully find the car - though this was now a secondary concern). He paused in his new mission only to return, change clothes, and borrow the Touma album (just in case he didn't find the car - not to mention a deep seated curiosity).  
  
Yuki had been surprisingly obliging, even going so far as to point out the most compromising shots. Or at leas the had been obliging, right up until he noticed that big red hickey on Suguru's neck that had been previously hidden by the seeded pearl choker.  
  
"Why'd you **sniffle** have to have that?" Bawled Shuichi into his vanilla coke. Suguru was fairly certain allowing Shuichi to consume caffeine was tantamount to suicide - but wasn't of a state of mind himself to care.  
  
"Baka. Who gave it to me?"  
  
Shuichi paled, got over being thrown out of Yuki's apartment, and went to see if the 24hr diner they were in happened to sell toothbrushes.  
  
Well . . . perhaps 'thrown out' wasn't quite the right expression. 'Had fled screaming' might be a better one. But then the sight of the normally indifferent author wielding a melon baller like that . . . (one might presume he had meant to grab a knife however the intended victims were not dallied to question this choice of utensil).  
  
"Snap out of it Shindo!" Demanded Suguru decisively. The impact was mostly lost since Shuichi had indeed already snapped out of it (being somewhat of an expert when it came to being-thrown-out-of/fleeing-in-terror from Yuki's apartment) and was currently exchanging pleasantries with the waitress (the kind which involved an inane amount of blushing and giggling and pointing at himself). "We have to find Tohma's car!" He hated to admit it, but if he had to talk to Ryuichi he might need Shuichi to interpret.  
  
"You're going to see Ryuichi?" Tatsuha manifested.  
  
Tatsuha had given a speech once in the coffee lounge at NG, which had been disturbingly convincing and researched to the effect that Shuichi was a clone of Ryuichi. As Ryuichi was Tatsuha's soulmate, it was okay for Tatsuha to grope Shuichi. Demonstration.  
  
Too confuzzled at all the big words to resist (which may have been the original intent), but having seen Star Wars II thirteen and a half times, Shuichi had asked if Tatsuha was a clone of Yuki, since he supposed that would be alright then.  
  
Yes.  
  
Tatsuha was subsequently throttled by the author.  
  
"I'm helping Suguru look for Tohma's car!" Beamed Shuichi, oblivious to the hand rather blatantly running up his thigh. Suguru couldn't help but wonder if Shuichi was in denial or had already genuinely forgotten . . . the rest. It was extremely OOC for Shuichi to have something like . . . say . . . discretion. Having no particular wish to reveal any more than necessary, he chose to keep quiet on the matter.  
  
"Are we going to look at Ryuichi's? I bet it's there! Let's look there first!" Cheered Tatsuha, inviting himself to sit at the table.  
  
"That's just what I thought too!" Chimed Shuichi.  
  
As if they had any other leads. AND they had to keep moving since at least two homicidal blondes were after them (maybe 3 if Tohma had already found out). Suguru felt the need to hit someone.  
  
. . . Preferably someone with pink hair. 


	4. d4

"He can be very . . . convincing." Stated Tatsuha sympathetically, which caused Suguru to piku-piku a few more times than was absolutely necessary to express shock.  
  
From the pink thong to the equitable Yuki to the serious Tatsuha, it seemed everyone was determined to shock him today. Shuichi meanwhile was voicing various uncivilized comments regarding the entire world's opinions on having to be intoxicated in order to want to marry him.  
  
"I remember the first time I married Shuichi . . ." Started Tatsuha wistfully.  
  
"First and only!" Sniffed Shuichi indignantly. "Besides, you spent most of the night with your arm stuck in that ice machine."  
  
"I've never seen Eiri so angry in my life!" Continued Tatsuha ignoring the interruption. "He doesn't like to share, especially with family. He was the same way when it was Mika."  
  
"I really married Mika?" Exclaimed Shuichi genuinely confused. "I thought that was just a joke!" Slightly unsettled with this revelation, Shuichi dug around in the back seat of Yuki's car to produce his Walkman he'd left there the last time Yuki had let him in his car (sure it had only been for 10 minutes because Yuki needed someone with small hands to clean under the seats - but it was definitely a beginning).  
  
"He usually doesn't remember a thing." Commented Tatsuha to Suguru, with a sad shake of his head. "Mika had to see a therapist for a month." As an afterthought, he added in a mock whisper, "In addition to her normal therapist."  
  
Meanwhile, Shuichi had an epiphany to the following effect;  
  
If it was possible he had missed that his marrying Mika was not just a joke, then it was just possible he might miss other things.  
  
With this new found insight, he examined his present circumstance, asking himself questions, like why was Tatsuha driving around in Yuki's car anyway . . . come to think of it they'd only been able to escape Yuki on foot in the first place because said writer wasn't able to find his keys. And why would he look for his keys, if he knew Tatsuha had them?  
  
And then there was that nagging voiceover in the very back of his mind, with Yuki exclaiming. "Tatsuha, it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever let you drive my car." Over and over - and in double play so he started to sound like a smurf. Shuichi couldn't help but giggle at this thought.  
  
His mood considerably brightened, he started to sing the song playing softly to himself. This wasn't a problem in itself, since it was neither entirely distracting to Suguru (who was driving) nor entirely unpleasant (having an excellent singing voice (as professional singers tend to)). The problem was, the song playing was of Nittle Grasper origin.  
  
Naturally, this was more than Tatsuha could resist.  
  
Now it was unusually cold this morning - though Shuichi was not entirely sure just how cold it had to be in order to freeze hell over. Luckily Tatsuha's hand on his thigh was nice and warm.  
  
Now Shuichi's brain, unused to thinking as it was, was unable to stop once it had begun, since Tatsuha was not currently driving, the weather in h ell was no longer relevant, so it backtracked a little.  
  
"Tatsuha? Why is your hand on my leg?" He asked incuriously. Yuki tended to put his hand there a lot too - which Shuichi never really understood, except it was a little annoying and Yuki had cold fingers, so Shuichi usually just pushed it away. Maybe it was a family thing and knowing this would help him understand Yuki more.  
  
"Isn't it obvious? I'm touching you up." Remarked Tatsuha, oh-so-casual.  
  
Ah! Well that explained everything (logic was a wonderful thing) that wasn't a casual touch at all!  
  
"OH MY GOD! DO YOU MEAN ALL THIS TIME YUKI HAS BEEN INITIATING SEX??!!?!?" Screamed Shuichi, kicking away Tatsuha and earning confused glances and sweatdrops from both Tatsuha and Suguru (who immediately returned his attention to the road because this is dangerous na no da). Shuichi subsequently passed out from hyperventilating, but not before vowing never to think ever again.  
  
Naturally Tatsuha took advantage of the situation.  
  
Sometime later they arrived at Ryuichi's apartment, which looked rather hazy to Shuichi. So hazy in fact, perhaps it was even a house rather than an apartment (so very, very hazy in fact, one might almost suspect the author was trying to hide the fact that she knew little of Ryuichi's living arrangements - which **cough** was not the case . . . Shuichi was tired, a little carsick, hungover, and had only just woken up from a think-overload induced coma - yeah, that's it).  
  
"We're here already?" Squealed Shuichi. He might not have had to ask if it wasn't for that weird cloud of localized pollution making everything blurry, seeing as had been here many times before, and it would otherwise be stating the obvious.  
  
"Yup!" Cheered Tatsuha with stars in his eye's, while straightening his halo and passing Shuichi his shirt.  
  
Shuichi shrugged, pulling on his shirt. Sometimes he did weird stuff while he was sleeping which he didn't remember when he woke up - for example Yuki insisted it wasn't himself that kept leaving the toilet seat up at night so it had to be Shuichi doing it in his sleep (you only have to fall into so many toilets before you learn better) and since it was Yuki that said it, it had to be true! Or did it?  
  
"Ne? Tatsuha? Asked Shuichi, in the voice he usually reserved for arguing the advantages of classic vs. strawberry pocky with Kumagarou.  
  
"Ha. . . hai. . . ?" Asked Tatsuha nervously. Shuichi sounded . . . kinda serious. Scary.  
  
"Hypathetically speaking," Tatsuha shivered. . . even if it was pronounced wrong, that was a BIG word. "Do you think . . Yuki might try to flush a person down a toilet?"  
  
"Anything is possible Shuichi." Confided Tatsuha, causing Shuichi to gasp in horror. Ah! Horrified Shuichi was so cute! Caught between Looks-so-much- like-Ryuichi and Eiri-will-kill-me-adrenaline-high (and maybe just a touch of Mika-I'm-gay-too), Tatsuha could barely restrain himself. He did however, on the grounds that god may smite him down (on the grounds that glomping thy gods doppelganger within meters of thy gods abode was probably sacrilegious).  
  
Suguru meanwhile was rather disconcerted with the knowledge that he couldn't see Tohma's car. He did however catch sight of a rather excited looking Ryuichi bounding across the street wearing what looked suspiciously like two pillowcases held together with a wide leather belt. Even Kumagarou appeared to be dressed in a dishcloth.  
  
"Shuichi! Did you have to strip everyone in the whole of Japan?" Demanded Suguru.  
  
"You helped." Remarked Shuichi dryly.  
  
"OHAYO GOZAIMASU!" Screamed Ryuichi, just in the off chance anyone was having hearing problems today, because Ryuichi just loved to be helpful. 


	5. 5

They were soon all seated when Shuichi leapt up, tackling Ryuichi to the floor and whispering something furiously in his ear. Ryuichi gasped, and Shuichi nodded in confirmation before they both swung around to glare at Tatsuha. Tatsuha didn't notice straight away, still engrossed in the after image of Shuichi jumping Ryuichi in the first place, and in the act of crossing his legs discretely.  
  
Ryuichi huffed, promptly crossed the room, dumping himself on the lounge next to Tatsuha. He grabbed Tatsuha's hand and slapped it possessively on his own thigh before returning his attention to the rest of the room (there really wasn't much point on directing it at Tatsuha who had since passed out na no da).  
  
"So," Prompted Ryuichi in all seriousness, which was rather contradictory to the fact he was dressed as he was.  
  
"I'msosorrySakuma-san!" Begged Suguru, tears streaming down his cheeks, as he bit into a pocket tissue. Shuichi, being a master of the tears-get-you- out-of-anything school himself, thought this was just a little overdone, and made a future note to make sure Fujisaki spent less time with Sakano.  
  
"Eh? Na no ka?" Ryuichi tilted his head cutely.  
  
"Your clothes!" Whined Suguru. Well it turned out it was lucky the #1 Nittle Grasper fan was. . . 'asleep' so Suguru only had to receive a formal reprimand from Shuichi. Well how was he to know that was a concert costume from Tokyo Zeppelin 1995? And probably Kumagarou just happened to be washing dishes when they got there?  
  
"But Shu-chan," Corrected Kumagarou. "Ryu-chan wasn't alive in 1995. Ryu- chan is only five!" Ryuichi glomped the plushy tightly to accentuate the point, and frankly he had that slightly manic expression in his eye's that Suguru didn't want to test. "And Kumagarou wasn't doing the dishes!" The insane giggle that punctuated this announcement brooked no curiosity.  
  
"Of . . . of course not." Choked Suguru, who had always thought working with Shuichi as a lead vocalist was as bad as it could get and was now reassessing the situation.  
  
"Ryuichi! Stop teasing Suguru." Reprimanded Shuichi, and Ryuichi immediately dropped the act.  
  
Suguru breathed a sigh of relief. As these things tend to go, it was a premature one.  
  
"Aw. . . . You're no fun, Shu-chan." Pouted Ryuichi.  
  
"This is serious business Ryuichi," Stated Shuichi, waggling a finger at Ryuichi in a reproaching way. Ryuichi nodded in agreement, hanging onto every word. ". . . and I won't have you picking on my wife."  
  
And this time it was a pair of insane giggles.  
  
"Shuichi!" Warned Suguru as menacingly as he could.  
  
"It's okay Fuji-chan! Even Kumagarou has married Shuichi! Five times!"  
  
Shuichi and Ryuichi laughed together.  
  
"But Kumagarou always comes back to you, huh Sakuma-san?" Tried Suguru. He knew it was he wrong thing to say as soon as it was said because Shuichi and Ryuichi glared at him coldly. If possible it seemed even Kumagarou was glaring coldly.  
  
"Kumagarou and Ryuichi are just friends." Ryuichi said in what Suguru suspected was a condescending tone.  
  
Kumagarou's infidelity was somewhat of a legend in the mind of Ryuichi, since the bunny seemed to not care why, when or whom he was cuddling, so this was kind of a sore point.  
  
"Ne? Suguru? You did know Kumagarou is only a toy rabbit? Ne? Ne?" Shuichi sidled over to add in a concerned whisper.  
  
Suguru (complete with a man-sized sweatdrop), decided not to comment.  
  
"Ohayo Kumagarou." Muttered Tatsuha, who was steadily regaining consciousness. In truth, Kumagarou would have been largely ignored if Tatsuha was aware that he was sitting next to god (as is the case when you're sitting next to god (who happens to also be the sexiest man in existence), examining his stuffed toy collection is the last thing on your mind . . . usually . . . .). Half-awake, he picked up the plushy, giving it a little squeeze.  
  
And Ryuichi ran from the room crying.  
  
"What happened?" Asked Tatsuha.  
  
"Suguru called Kumagarou a whore." Muttered Shuichi in explanation, earning a glare from Suguru, which was largely ignored. Approaching the door he pounded lightly while calling out to Ryuichi. Moment's later Ryuichi let him in.  
  
Tatsuha glared at Suguru.  
  
"I can't believe you'd be so insensitive as to say something like that."  
  
Suguru sat in stunned silence. When there was no shouting issuing from the door, he edged closer and closer. He had the sneaking suspicion he'd hear laughing and be damned if he was going on a guilt trip for insulting a stuffed toy if this was another joke.  
  
"You really should respect their privacy!" Reproached Tatsuha who was already kneeling with his ear pressed to the door. He had the sneaking suspicion he'd hear make out sounds (Heaven knows if he was in a bedroom, alone, with Ryuichi Sakuma that would be his action of choice) and be damned if he was going to sit out here if that was the case.  
  
When he did actually hear something that sounded suspiciously like Ryuichi suggesting Shuichi take all his clothes off however, it was less curiosity and more jealousy that made him throw the door open to see what was going on.  
  
"Tatsuha! Don't look, I'm naked!" Screamed Shuichi. Actually he only had his shirt part way off, but it was the principle of the thing. He gave the hem a tug, settling it in place. "Okay you can look."  
  
"You're just . . . trying on clothes?" Muttered Tatsuha solemnly. A note of disappointment in his voice and a kicked-puppy look on his face.  
  
"Hentai." Muttered Ryuichi coming out of the closet with some different concert costumes for Shuichi to see. "You wanna play dress up too?" Ryuichi asked Suguru genkily (it's a word now).  
  
"I'm forgiven?" Asked Suguru hopefully.  
  
"Hai!" Cheered Ryuichi, "It was all a misunderstanding!"  
  
"So Shuichi explained it to you?" With a small note of disbelief. "That's great!"  
  
"Shu-chan?" Ryuichi rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "No! That wasn't Kumagarou!" He pointed to a duplicate pink rabbit sitting on the bed. "This is the real Kuma!" He laughed and jumped to the bed, glomping the rabbit cutely. "See?"  
  
Suguru smiled. It was mostly to hide his complete confusion. Oh, and horror. Because after unglomping Kumagarou, Ryuichi pulled a switchblade on him.  
  
"Ne, Suguru, you won't say mean things about the real Kumagarou, ne? Ne?"  
  
"Hey Ryu-chan? How does this look?" Called Shuichi who had been obliviously trying on clothes, aided by Tatsuha who was surprisingly (or perhaps not) good at playing Ryuichi dressups.  
  
"Ah! Sugoi! Sugoi da!" Squealed Ryuichi going chibi and running to meet the two in the ensuite bathroom.  
  
"Ryuichi . . . have you been picking on Suguru again?" Questioned Shuichi suspiciously, noticing his keyboardist slumped against the wall hyperventilating.  
  
"Nooo." Grumbled Ryuichi, refusing to make eye contact with Shuichi. Shuichi frowned a little, so Ryuichi decided he better change the subject. "Ne, Shu-chan, why are you here anyway?"  
  
Worked like a charm.  
  
"Oh yeah! We're looking for Tohma's car! Do you remember anything about last night?"  
  
Ryuichi hummed and harred. Last night . . . went out, met up with Shuichi etc. Got drunk. Came home. Had wild, wild bunny party with Kumagarou and 50 of his closest friends (invite only). Even now he could still see hungover plushy animals draped around the apartment.  
  
Come to think of it, it HAD been Suguru that drove them all home from the toy store after Ryuichi had liberated them with the aid of a brick. Oh yeah. And that HAD been Shuichi that helped load them into what was PROBABLY Tohma's car.  
  
"I do not recall." Stated Ryuichi casually. They all seemed to buy it, except that Suguru. He looked like he might say something so Ryuichi shot him an evil look and he whimpered, scampering over to press himself between Shuichi and Tatsuha.  
  
"Oh." Sighed Shuichi. He had hoped it would be here somewhere. Maybe the kitchen - he hadn't checked the kitchen. Then he could go home and see if Yuki had forgotten the love bite yet. Yuki forgot many things so maybe he'd forget this too.  
  
Like his pants. Yuki was always forgetting to zip up his fly so Shuichi was constantly on the look out for his absent-minded lover, ready to pounce and fix the problem. Wait-a-sec. What if the fly was like the hand-on-the-leg thing? . . . "Aw crap." Muttered Shuichi.  
  
"I'm sure we'll find it Shuichi!" Muttered Suguru, he wasn't convinced himself, but he hadn't seen Shuichi this bummed since . . . since he'd woken him this morning. That and he really wanted to get away from here. Now.  
  
"Yeah It's okay Shu-chan! Ryu-chan and Kumagarou will help you look!" Cheered Ryuichi. 


	6. omake 1

[9 years earlier]  
  
"Tatsuha." Chided Eiri. "What are you doing?" He demanded.  
  
"Get lost! You're ruining my wedding!" Snapped the little pink haired girl that was currently dragging Tatsuha through the playground. She had to be about the same age as Tatsuha, but the look she was giving Eiri could have peeled paint.  
  
"Nii-san! I'm getting married!" Smiled Tatsuha brilliantly. "To Sakuma Ryuichi!" He tugged expectantly on his companion's arm. Said companion's body language dared Eiri to say otherwise.  
  
"You can't get married, you're only eight, you have to be at least ten." Smirked Eiri. Best to take the neutral approach and not aggravate the bride. What kind of parent let a kid that age colour their hair anyway?  
  
"I am ten!" Screamed the girl, kicking Eiri in the shins. He gave her a particularly evil glare, but she didn't seem too interested in backing down. She was however perplexed at the fact Tatsuha was apparently underage and started to fret.  
  
"I hear you can go to prison for marrying kids that aren't old enough." Smirked Eiri again, earning an audible gasp from the bride.  
  
"But. . . but he didn't tell me he was only a kid!" She squealed horrified.  
  
Eiri smirked some more. It was beginning to become a habit.  
  
"How old are you?" Asked the girl.  
  
Eiri stopped smirking.  
  
"I'm not interested in marrying Sakuma Ryuichi."  
  
She gasped in response.  
  
"Not? Not interested?!?" She shuffled a little nervously. "But Sakuma Ryuichi is really, really cool!" Eiri was unmoved. Tatsuha looked like he might break down in tears.  
  
"Sakuma-san, I thought you were gonna marry me!" He sniffled miserably.  
  
"This isn't Sakuma-san Tatsuha." Pointed out Eiri with a sigh.  
  
She matched him glare for glare before turning around to explain to Tatsuha.  
  
"Sorry Ta-chan. Only us adults are allowed to get married so I'm marrying your Nii-san now."  
  
"Can I at least be your concubine Sakuma-san?"  
  
"Sure!" Whatever that meant. Maybe it was like a best man or something. Hiro wouldn't mind, he always got to be best man so he could be a flower girl or something this time.  
  
"Whatever." Sighed Eiri, rubbing his forehead to relive the pain building there. "We can't go to your wedding today little girl. We have to go now." He ruffled her hair in what might almost have been an affectionate way if this wasn't HRH Uesegi Eiri, Ice Queen we were talking about.  
  
"Moooouuuu!!!" Now she was angry! "Don't call me a little girl you . . . you bastich!" Eiri deftly cupped his hands over Tatsuha's ears.  
  
"Shuichi! Shuichi!" Cheered another kid running up to his friend. "I found another kid that'll marry you!" He cheered excitedly, dragging a madly blushing, smaller boy.  
  
"You mean . . . you're not really Sakuma Ryuichi?" Sniffled Tatsuha.  
  
The girl had the decency to look a little abashed. Eiri sniggered.  
  
"Well of course not! Eiri doesn't want to marry Sakuma Ryuichi! He's marrying me instead, ne? Ne?" She glomped his arm possessively.  
  
"I'm not marrying Sakuma Ryuichi, and I'm not marrying some girl!" Denied Eiri, shaking his arm loose.  
  
"Well of course not!" Sniffed Shuichi indignantly. "I just said so."  
  
"Hnn!" Nodded Hiro. "Shuichi is perfect."  
  
"Yep." Agreed Tatsuha with a confirmatory nod.  
  
Eiri, deciding the whole world really was insane (that or kids got too many artificial colours and flavors these days) picked up a protesting Tatsuha and walked away. Fast.  
  
"Don't forget Eiri-kun! We're engaged now!" Called the bride.  
  
"What about me?" Asked the kid Hiro had dragged over. Shuichi looked him over. He was probably a couple of years younger, a little on the scrawny side . . . but Shu was determined to get married today. Underaged or not.  
  
"Hnn, okay, but we gotta get a divorce when Eiri is available. Lets go!"  
  
[End]  
I wanted to write something cute really bad. unfortunately it looked a lot better in my heard rather than in type - as everything does v_v *sigh* in the first part I kept calling Shuichi a girl cos Eiri thinks he is one (I wasn't sure if that was obvious) I do know better ^____^  
"Hey Shu-chan, how come you never marry Hiro?" Hiro's head popped up expectantly at the question he had always wondered himself. He'd even proposed a few times but his crush just kept laughing and laughing and laughing and . . .  
  
"Hiro?" Asked Shuichi vaguely, picking some more flowers for his bouquet. "No way! That'd be too weird! Hiro's like my . . ." Hmm. Sidekick? Brother? Best friend? "Pet!" Exclaimed Shuichi brightly, humming a Nittle Grasper song as he finished the bouquet. 


	7. shix

"I don't get it . . . why don't you just buy a new car?" Whined Shuichi who was still upset with the current seating arrangements.  
  
Suguru may have spent 10 minutes designing it, but as far as Shuichi could see . . . if anything it looked like he might be seated as far from Ryuichi as possible. He couldn't even talk to Tatsuha who was going through the glove box contents.  
  
Tatsuha looked rather excited at finding a lacy, pink bra, smirking he hid this in his backpack, presumably to blackmail his Aniki with latter. Unfortunately (for Tatsuha) that really was Shuichi's bra, so there wasn't much blackmail potential at all. In fact, Shuichi rather suspected Yuki would just throttle Tatsuha for going through his car in the first place.  
  
Shuichi looked longingly over at Ryuichi, and Kumagarou waved back. Sighing he turned questioning eyes at Hiro, but Hiro didn't even want to talk, and just kept staring into space (and sometimes pouting) when Shuichi asked how Hiro got across town to Ryuichi's place without getting arrested was another matter all together. At any rate, Hiro was now dressed in a borrowed outfit from Ryuichi (although it was perhaps a little tight and just as likely to get him arrested).  
  
"I can't afford that!" Snapped Suguru in his no-nonsense/constipation voice.  
  
"I can! Let me do it!" It was true, due to a misprint in a contract Shuichi got paid an insane amount of royalties (another sore point with Tohma). That and the fact that Shuichi didn't have any rent or expenses living with Yuki - something about Yuki wanting to be a 'bread-winner' . . . whatever that meant . . .  
  
To prove the point, Shuichi produced a recent bank statement (he always carried one just in case he came across his parents and they started questioning his career choice or lifestyle). Suguru was too busy driving to pay much attention however. Unless logic failed him, the only main characters that hadn't turned up in the past few hours were Mika, Noriko, Ayaka and Sakano - and knowing Shuichi's extreme dislike for having female characters around, Sakano had to be the one that knew something.  
  
"Lets go see Sakano then!" Stated Shuichi at the silence that followed "Sakano will make everything right!!" Even Hiro grunted an assent. The somewhat harried producer and former manager would know exactly what to do. After all, he should be getting rather experienced at cover-ups, had been a signatory at 9 out of 16 of Shuichi's divorces, and wasn't blonde. Of course this wasn't factoring in the loss of Tohma's vehicle - which would just as likely give the producer a coronary. but hey, NG had excellent medical coverage, so no biggie.  
  
Thus they found themselves at the aforementioned directors home. Sakano peered nervously around the door before hurrying them inside.  
  
"What have you done, how much damage was there and how much media coverage should we expect?" Cited Sakano, all business. He knew better than to expect a casual visit on a Sunday.  
  
"I'm offended!" Exclaimed Shuichi indignant. "I married Suguru. It was a discrete affair. No major tabloids." At least he was pretty sure on the last count. Sakano actually sighed in relief. A few drunk musicians was nothing he couldn't manage  
  
". . ." Sakano didn't appear to be taking Shuichi's 'explanation' so well so far. Time to switch tactics then.  
  
"It must be Hiro's fault! He got me drunk!" Wheedled Shuichi hanging off Sakano's arm. Kekeke. That'd teach Hiro to . . . uhm . . . well Hiro probably was to blame for something. Thankfully Hiro was too hung over to bother denying it. Or maybe it was true . . ? Shuichi gave Hiro a particularly suspicious glare. . With an ease born of practice Sakano produced the necessary documentation to legally divorce the pair. That 3 years at law school really paid off sometimes.  
  
"Oh yeah, and Suguru lost Tohmas car." Added Shu, rolling his eye's.  
  
". . .'  
  
"Which is so not my fault. Because you know I'm not allowed to drive." Laughed Shuichi nervously. Which was unnoticed by Sakano who was thinking perhaps it was time to cut his losses and just hand the group over to Tohma for judgment. Not only might he avoid getting involved in the matter, he might even get rewarded for it.  
  
"Please don't tell Uncle Tohma!" Pleased Suguru grasping at Sakano's bathrobe. Frankly speaking, Sakano could sympathize, having woken up in a similar position himself not 5 months ago, but this was the bosses car. . .  
  
"Pleaseeeee!" Chimed Ryuichi and Shuichi in unison, puppy eyes and pouts. Hiro grunted something that might also have been an entreaty, and Sakano found his will faltering. That and if Ryuichi and Shuichi tugged on his robe anymore they might find out he slept in a night shirt, which would result in any amount of ribbing. Alas it was a well known fact Kumagarou slept naked (that little bit of information was gleaned the difficult way on a joint Nittle Grasper/Bad Luck tour) and excessively ridiculed anyone that did not also observe his nudist tendencies.  
  
Sakano gulped as he looked upon his enemy who was perched precariously atop Ryuichi's head, looking for weaknesses with his beady black eyes no doubt. "Okay!" Conceded Sakano, knowing better than to try to stare down Kumagarou. Obviously a lesson Suguru hadn't learnt judging by how skittish he'd looked when the bunny had put in an appearance.  
  
It wasn't so bad. All they had to do was locate Tohmas car (with luck it had been impounded or at worst stolen - which knowing Tohma was insured for a great deal of money anyway). There were probably tabloid photos (Shuichi was not to be trusted about these types of things) but there were enough Shuichi look-alikes around that he could claim the pictures were fake (or at worst publicity shots). It's not like this hadn't happened before (although the car was a new twist), and with a little dramatization Sakano could coerce all 3 members of Bad Luck into being productive (and in Shuichi's case, maybe even punctual).  
  
But . . . it was too easy . . . something was wrong . . .  
  
"Are you sure you don't have anything else to tell me?" Asked Sakano hesitantly.  
  
'Yuki Eiri wants to kill me.' Thought Suguru.  
  
'Toys 'R Us may have issued an arrest warrant.' Thought Ryuichi.  
  
'Ryuichi's pants are giving me a wedgie.' Thought Hiro, and promptly went to investigate Sakano's wardrobe in the hopes he had something closer to his own size, or at least sequin-free.  
  
Tatsuha, who'd been left in the car with the engine running (just in case) wasn't thinking much at all . . . except possibly how ironic it was Hiro wanted to get out of Ryuichi's pants so much when he was willing to do almost anything to get into them. If he had been present he might also have been thinking how much trouble he would be in when Aniki realized he'd . . . er . . . 'borrowed' his car.  
  
'. . .' Thought Kumagarou cryptically.  
  
"I can't think of anything." Remarked Shuichi. Which may have been a result of forgetfulness, his earlier resolution to never think again, or out of some primal need for self preservation - or more likely a combination of all three.  
  
* * *  
  
note: I made sakano I wee bit more calculating then he really is in the manga/anime- I like the idea :P I haven't written anything in a while, so be brutal (but no too mean na no da) 


End file.
